Just A Shell Of Yourself
by TarlsBlack
Summary: This is a Rollins One Shot. Total AU. This story wanted me to write it.


**This is a total AU story. This story means a lot to me. If you recognise it, it's not mine. Enjoy!**

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One day off. One day off a year was all she asked for. But this year was obviously different. This year she was at work. She sat at her desk, writing a report for a judge.

"You done that report yet Rollins?" Her Captain asked, as he wandered past.

"Nope." She snapped. He stopped and looked at her, maybe expecting an apology, but she wasn't going to give one up. She was angry. He continued walking and she scoffed.

"What, you got somewhere better to be?" Fin asked, sarcasm dripping from the words.

"Yeah actually I do." She shot back. She was used to his teasing, but today was different. She was in no mood for his crap and he noticed.

"You OK?" Fin asked.

"Yeah, fine. I just _do _have somewhere to be." She said.

"Where?" He asked.

"Why do you wanna know?" She asked.

"I dunno. Just do." He said.

"I usually go home every year today." She said.

"Visiting family?"

"Well, kind of."

"Kind of?"

"I go and see my Dad." She looked back at her computer and continued typing her report.

"How is that a kind of?" He asked.

She looked up at him, "He's dead."

"Anniversary?" He asked. She nodded, "How'd he die?"

"Well, that's a long story." She said. He took the hint.

"When'd he die?"

"I was 14." She said. She reached into her drawer and pulled out a picture. She handed the picture to him and he looked at it.

"Is that you?" He asked.

She nodded, "Yeah that's me. I was 13 in that picture." She sighed.

"Must be hard."

"Yeah, but it's been a while. You move on." She said. She printed the report out and went to Cragen's office. She knocked on the door.

"Come in." He said. She opened the door and gave him the report.

"I'm uh sorry about before." She said.

"Look, I know you've got somewhere to be, but I needed that report. You can go now." He said.

"Thanks," She left his office and grabbed her coat, "I'm off. Bye." She said to Fin.

"You want company?" He asked.

She shrugged, "Why not? Come on then."

He stood and got permission from Cragen to leave.

Amanda didn't look at Fin the whole flight. Fin didn't bother asking questions, or making small talk. She was in pain, and he could tell. She just stared out the window and watched the sky as they flew by.

The taxi stopped out the front of a house, and Amanda stepped out of it. Fin paid the driver and got out.

There was a concrete driveway and she didn't stop at the house. She just walked up the driveway and stopped in front of the large shed. Fin stopped behind her and watched as she closed her eyes and breathed deeply.

She continued into the shed and wandered inside it. She stopped and stared at the ceiling. She sat on the concrete floor and watched the beams for a while. Fin sat next to her.

"Manda, why are we here?" He asked.

"This is where he died." She said, standing up.

"Oh darlin'." He said. He stayed sitting and watched her as she paced.

"I was 14. I remember playing a game in the driveway with Kim when his friend up and left. He stopped, and said 'You might want to call an ambulance, you're Dad's gunna kill himself'. I ran into the shed. He was hooking a noose up to that beam there," She pointed, "I ran into the house, screaming at my mother 'Dad's going to kill himself'. I grabbed my phone and rung 911. I went back up to the shed, and watched him put the noose around his neck and jump. The dispatcher sent an ambulance, and police. But it was too late. He died." She left the shed and he followed her.

She walked up the street and ended up at a Crematorium. He didn't say anything.

She stopped at a gravestone and she sat in front of it. It said:

_David Rollins_

_Loved father and husband. Rest In Peace. _

"I thought it was my fault. We had an argument only a few hours before. And now he's dead and I can't ask him." She said, tears in her eyes.

"I'm sure it wasn't." Fin said.

She turned to him, "You didn't know him."

"I know I didn't, but Rollins, you can't blame yourself. It will just eat you up until you're just a shell of yourself."

"I know, Fin, I know."


End file.
